The all seeing, all knowing. The alpha and the omega. The investor of life and sustenance. That which is.

Once upon a time investment was seen as a speculative risk. There was an idea and, if the idea seemed good, money would be invested for the start up. Or, with existing ideas, there was maybe room for growth. Money would be injected into the idea, and expansion of the idea was pursued. If the idea failed, too bad. You took your lumps and moved on. Assuming you had anything left. That was the risk.

Nowadays, investment is seen less as a speculative risk, and more as a long-term loan with guaranteed returns. Shareholders want their dividends, and they don’t care how they get them. That’s when it becomes your problem.

The fact of the matter is, anyone can be a shareholder. A bit of extra money floating around? Invest in a start-up or a Kickstarter. Dabble in the stock market if you want to live dangerously. Either way you have now started on the exciting path of market confidence, and potential risk and reward.

But there is one caveat. In order for you to get your dividends, there is a good chance somebody will have to lose their job. Perhaps even multiple somebodies. Depending on the market.

This will be presented as, “Moving forward, we can expect to instigate a period of business consolidation and streamlining.”

It isn’t always who you think. With most businesses, as contracts are lost along with a transfer of undertakings or various bits fall off, they can end up with a surplus of management types. If left unchecked, this can end up with the business pyramid turning into something more akin to a cube. With an executive pimple sat on top. People who might have been employed in a supervisory role for say, twenty people. Are now proud to manage three. At this point, consolidate departments and get the resulting managerial line-up to reapply for a single role, with a new job title. Those who fail. Bye!

If that doesn’t solve the problem. Turn to the workforce. You really don’t want to make them redundant, because that will cost money. So, you make their lives miserable.

• Increase workloads by cancelling contracts with outside contractors and pass the duties onto whomsoever happens to be nearby.
• Increase workloads by taking the duties of employees who have retired, resigned or, died in suspicious circumstances, and offload these tasks onto whoever’s left.
• Increase the paperwork load by demanding that information be broken down into smaller and smaller chunks.
• Keep the big, juicy, high-value contracts understaffed.
• Stop all purchasing. Including safety equipment.
• If any employees have disabilities or other inconveniently protected characteristics, exploit them.
• Increase the frequency of internal auditing.
• Sell off essential, but sporadically used equipment, and make everybody share what’s left. Even though they will all need it at the same time.
• Stretch logistics to their limit. Send people further and further afield under the proviso that it is “only temporary” then, make it permanent.

But and this is the important bit, don’t pay anybody any more money. Those little scamps will soon buckle under the weight then leave for pastures new.

Shareholder dividends will be safe, and executive bonuses are ensured.

Easy-peasy, and victimless.

WuhHaHaHaHaaaa!